three hundred words a day. april 8. why so serious.

I am super hard on myself. I use the word should a lot without even realizing it. I should do this... I should do that... I should be more this, more that, less this or less that.

Yesterday, as I was on my way to yoga, I was thinking back on the last few posts I've made here and feeling as if they have all leaned too far toward the serious - the divorce, Bali, coda. Serious topics each in and of themselves, topics that I seem to be always muddling over in my head these days. And yet, when you string them all together - that's a whole mess of seriousness right there for just one week back at blogging.

That little voice inside me admonished, you should really lighten it up a bit. It is too serious. You sound too serious. You are too serious.

Dammit! I want so badly to be not so serious! I want to be the fun one just once!

For a long while I thought that perhaps I was just depressed and that is what was making me so serious, so thoughtful and analytical, all the time. But these days, I am not depressed and I am fairly certain of it. In fact, I feel as if I might be about as far away from depressed as I have ever been.

So, not depressed, not sad, in fact - quite happy actually - and yet, still so serious. What gives?

I've found that when in doubt, it always helps to gts, and this time was no exception. A few clicks later, and lo and behold, I have my answer.

It seems I am suffering from what is commonly referred to as... Serious Personality type.

Here are just a few of the characteristics of SPT:

Straight face. Individuals with the Serious personality style maintain a sober demeanor. They are solemn and not given to emotional expression.
No pretentions. They are realistically aware of their own capabilities, but they are also aware of their own limitations; they are not tempted by vanity or self-importance.
Accountability. Serious people hold themselves responsible for their actions. They will not soft-pedal their own faults and do not let themselves off the hook.
Cogitation. They're thinkers, analyzers, evaluators, ruminators: They'll always play things over in their minds before they act.
Contrition. Serious people suffer greatly when they realize they've been thoughtless or impolite to others.

Holy cow if that does not describe me in a nutshell. Although, in my own defense, I have been known to crack a joke or two now and then, and good ones, too! But definitely not on the magnitude I feel I should be and sometimes I can be really hard on myself about that.

In any event, it just seems as if this seriousness thing is as much a part of me as say, having brown eyes or brown hair. And while I realize that hair color can be changed, as mine has periodically been over the years, when it grows back in - it is eventually the same ole brown.

And you know, I might just be ok with that. It could be worse, after all. I could be suffering from boanthropy, or maybe even autophagia. Now that would really bite. ;)

xxo.