three hundred words a day. april 6. those three little words.

I had a post all queued up and ready to go but then I realized it wasn't relevant to me anymore. At least not today. And so in an effort to stay true to me and speak what is on my mind, I'll save that one for a later date.

I started attending coda meetings on Monday nights toward the end of 2013. My meeting is a step-study where we discuss the twelve steps by sharing our personal struggles and we work through them each week step 1 to step 12, then repeat. Different steps are probably difficult for different people, like admitting we are powerless, or turning our will over to God or a higher power. Universally, however, I would imagine the eighth and ninth steps are pretty much knockouts for everyone.

The eighth step asks us to make a list of all persons we've harmed and to become willing to make amends to them.

The ninth step asks us to make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I don't know about you, but I find it super hard to think about those things individually - let alone together - and while I have no problem saying I am sorry for the silly little things like slamming a door or bumping into someone, the big things? Well, there are a few things I would much rather forget. And unlikely as it is, there is a big part of me that naively hopes whoever was on the receiving end of those big things has forgotten them too.

How sad is that? How much easier is it these days to deflect or blame or make excuses for bad behavior? How much less stressful to simply stick my head in the sand and pretend things never happened, that somehow maybe my behavior was justified? That my hurt gave me the right to strike back? That behaving badly, regardless of intent, was in any universe ever okay?

Some of the people that most deserve my amends are no longer in my life, I have moved on just as they have moved on. And with what I have learned in coda, I am beginning to both recognize my triggers and avoid situations that could be harmful to me - or others - before they escalate to out of control stage. 

But that doesn't change the fact that in order for me to heal, eight and nine still need to be worked, without expectation of forgiveness and without excuse or justification. There are a few I'm sorry I hurt yous that are long overdue. And while I am not quite there yet, after a year and a half of meetings, I know I am getting closer to putting pen to paper or picking up that phone and asking for a meetup, than I was even six months ago. Which just seems to prove that its true what they say - it works if you work it.

And I am worth it. 

xxo.