I started this gratitude thing at a time in my life that was scary. And although there have been a lot of scary times in my life, early December was very definitely one of the scariest. My life and everything I had relied upon and taken for granted for years was in a state of chaos.
I was afraid. And although I tried, very, very hard on the outside to act strong, to be strong, the simple fact of the matter is that, on the inside, I was anything but strong. No, on the inside, I was falling apart. Piece by piece.
And I think the worst part, at least for me and the fixer in me, was that I didn't know what to do about it. I didn't know how to change it. And, if I am honest, deep down, I wasn't sure, really, if I even wanted to change it. It seemed like the harder I tried, the worse it became, and that was, simply put, just a whole lot of work.
Then Hilary suggested the Gratitude project. And although I knew it was going to be difficult for me for a myriad of reasons, the least of which was that I wasn't sure I was all that grateful for anything at that point, I decided to try it.
I cried as I wrote the first few. Those first few were me forcing myself to be grateful, and believe me when I say that those first few were painful for me to write. Not because I was not grateful, but more because they required that I open not only my eyes to what was around me, but my heart as well.
To unlock the padlock that has been closed around my heart for longer than I can remember.
Then I wrote a few more. And a few more. And before I realized it, the gratitudes became less of a project that I'd committed to doing, and more of a journey back to my... joy, because as I wrote them, I began to remember.
I remembered just exactly what I had to be grateful for.
The big and the small. The whos and the whats. The silly and the serious. And although it shouldn't have, it surprised me. But even more than that, it delighted me. And as my heart began to open, my world began to change. The scattered pieces of my life fluttering to find their way back home.
And what I have realized through this process is that my treasure was always right here. It had not up and left the building like I thought it had. It was here, in this space, waiting patiently for me to reflect, to recall... to remember.
All I needed was to open my heart in order to be able to see it.
I'd like to thank those of you who chose to join me on this journey. I feel truly blessed this season by you and for that I am so very, very grateful.
Next year, I promise you the whole thirty.
xoxo,
momo
