In December, I visited Bali on a retreat that was hosted by Mastin Kipp at the dailylove.com. It was a an experience that was so out of my comfort zone that just the simple fact that I signed up at all still makes me shake my head in disbelief. From the little things - like having to travel half way across the planet - alone - to get there, or to not knowing another soul who would be there - this trip pushed every one of my anxiety inducing buttons, of which I assure you, I have many.
I almost cancelled going, I had every excuse in the book. It wasn't the right time, I couldn't take that much time away from work, I was moving, my children needed me and how would I be able to keep control of my world from so far away and with no technology?
And while legitimate, if not lame, justifications for not wanting to go, the truth is I was afraid. I knew enough about Mastin and the retreats he hosted to realize I wasn't going on a little ole beach vacation and there was a huge part of me that was afraid of what I would learn about myself. Afraid that I was too far gone, too this, too that. Insignificant, unlovable. Afraid that maybe with no excuses to hide behind, maybe I wouldn't like who I was becoming, had become.
There were moments of confusion and moments of sadness, moments of clarity, moments where my heart threatened to burst with such incredible joy and happiness that I could not contain it and moments, often immediately after, where I was filled with the most profound grief that it still takes my breath away.
Each day we made deeper cuts through all those lies we'd told ourselves over the years about what was true, what we were destined to be. There were breakthroughs of a magnitude that cannot even begin to be measured, both for myself and for my sisters that joined me, during the retreat and they have continued now three months post. The change, the growth in all of us, has been immeasurable.
And while there are days that I am still afraid, days where all I can do is pick up the phone and ask for help to get through, these days I am trying my best to keep the lessons of Bali close as I work toward producing the outcome I long for versus the one that I fear.
xxo.
