thirty days with a grateful heart. day eight.

day eight.  wise men.

I have not been sleeping well lately. 

I think the issue for me is two-fold.  On one hand, my sweet girl has decided to take up residence on the left side of my bed, which definitely messes with my sleep patterns since she likes to leave the television on till all hours of the night and inevitably, I wake to some sort of infomercial telling me there is some product I absolutely cannot live without. 

The bras are great.  The facelift in a bottle?  Not so much.

On the other hand, I think it is partly because, for the first time in a very long time, if ever, I have to be... responsible.

Not that I haven't been somewhat responsible the past twenty years because I have!  At least I think I have.  I've held a good job, I've helped plan for the future, I've raised two incredible littles, I've managed a home, a business, done laundry and grocery shopping and changed the lightbulbs and painted the walls and fed the dogs and you know, all the usual stuff we do in our daily lives.

It is just that now, all of a sudden, I find myself with all those same day in and day out responsibilities, the things we simply have to do to keep the wheels on the bus for those that we love, with nobody to rely upon but... me.

It stresses me out.

It keeps me up at night.

I wake and I start thinking and I can't go back to sleep and before I know it - hours have passed and I'm still... not sleeping, not solving... just stewing. 

At the end of my rope, I finally broke down the other night and... reached out.  In the middle of the night, after hours of thinking and thinking and thinking, I phoned a friend.

Ok, I didn't really phone a friend, I texted, but you get the idea.


1:52 am

What are you thinking about?

stuff i need to do.  work, christmas...  i am a planner so i start thinking about the future.

I think part of your issue is that you are trying to plan things that aren't necessarily things YOU can plan.  Then you perseverate on it and that's no fun.

(after i looked up perseverate) yup.

In the beginning of this transition... you were forcing a difficult situation and you had no idea what it would bring about.  Now you are near the end and the future, although its what you've been working toward, holds lots of unknowns... and its real now.  Kinda scary I'd imagine.

yes, maybe you are right.  i'm used to order.  to having "knowns".  there a lot of unknowns right now, it makes me uncomfortable.  and i feel wholly responsible for making all these decisions for everyone, me, littles.  and i don't feel like i am doing them all well.

Bullshit.  I don't see it that way. 
Nor does anyone else.
Guaranteed.

i spread myself too thin sometimes.   and i get stuck in the minutiae.

I think for the first time in your life you have to LEAD.  I mean really lead for real.  You're like a brand new second lieutenant, charging up some hill with her platoon... you've got the basic knowledge of what you have to do and you even have some training behind you that you can draw upon... but this time, right here and now, for the first time, you are truly alone and you are truly accountable for these lives that are assigned to you.  Scary as shit.  Leadership is intuition, supported by training and experience.  For the first time in your life, your "troops" are looking for you for leadership.  That's a lot of pressure.  Know what makes a good leader?

hm?

All sorts of shit.   Thousands of books have been written on it.

maybe i should get one.

No, maybe you should trust yourself.

i will try.

Leading folks is just plain and simple scary.  Any good leader is going to have moments of self doubt and consternation.  And that's ok.  Every good leader is scared.  Feels fear.  But not debilitated by fear.  Fear is good.  It focuses you into doing what is essential, what is good, what is right, right now.  Fear allows you to analyze then decide on a course of action with the best possible outcome for you and most importantly for your folks looking at you for guidance and direction.

its very scary.

It's very uncomfortable in the beginning, but soon, you learn to rely on your gut instinct.  That instinct plus courage based upon training and experience will guide you.  Listen to your gut.  Be confident in your instinct... your intuition.  Leadership isn't about knowing ALL the answers.  Its impossible to plan for everything so that's why you just have to press forward with a good game plan and trust that you'll do what is right when those challenging unknowns pop up along the way.  Trust yourself to know you'll do well when the time comes.

i appreciate being able to bounce ideas off you.

Absolutely.  Part of being a good leader is knowing your limitations and more importantly, NOT being afraid to ask for guidance or direction from those of whom you trust.  A lot of people think that is a sign of weakness but that's just false pride.  And it gets people dead... in the big scheme of life...

ack! i don't want to get my people dead! ;)

That's called accountability.  You just need to understand that you're not alone.  Good leaders surround themselves with a cadre of folks what will help guide their decisions.  YOU are solely accountable for your troops but you listen and you learn from those you trust.  Like REALLY trust, the ones who REALLY matter. 

Now go back to bed.

After the exchange was over, I reread it. 

And then I reread it again.  A few times.  And as with most things with me, slowly the truth of it started to sink in. 

I am afraid but I am not in this alone.  I might feel alone some days, but in reality, I have people.  Many people.  People that I trust, who have taught me, who believe in me and support me and love me all at the same time.  People who have been there, people who only want to be there, people I look up to and respect, who, although they love me, will not hesitate to tell me like it is, whether I want to hear it or not.

I have people.  Lots and lots of people.  People who, like my phone a friend, who are oh, so very... wise.

What a gift those people have been to me these past few months!  They have helped even when they didn't know that they were helping - letting me vent, letting me cry, letting me be afraid, letting me... be.  I'm not sure I would emotionally where I am today if it were not for those people. 

So, today, day eight, for those people, and in particular for the few I can wake at 1:52 am when I cannot sleep and I am going round and round and round the same ground mentally getting absolutely nowhere, I am so very, very grateful.

xoxo,
momo

thirty days with a grateful heart. day six.

day six.  graham higgs.

Before Little J was born, there was no way I could have even imagined how much I would love him.  Nothing in my life could have prepared me for the breadth, the depth, the sheer and utter magnitude of emotion, of love, that overcame me when I held him for the first time.  My baby.  My boy. 

My heart swells and my eyes fill when I remember that day.  How incredible, really, that day I became... a mother.

I must be honest, I was worried when I learned I was pregnant with Frankie.  I'd given my heart to Little J.  Was there room for her?  How on earth could it be possible to love, to love them both, like that?  Wholly?  Completely?  With every ounce of my being?

And then, well, and then, she arrived.  And in that instant, I knew what mothers forever have known.  There is no occupancy limit on a mother's heart, it simply expands and makes room. 

Of the myriad titles that I hold... daughter, friend, employee, wife, runner, aunt... mother is the one that I covet above all others.  Because stripped down to my very core, a mother is what I am.  What I have always wanted to be.  What I always will be. 

I look at my littles and I see the incredible young adults they are becoming. I study them when they are not aware. I watch them as they interact with others. I ask them questions and I listen to them respond. Sometimes their answers are as I imagine they will be.  And sometimes, their insight, the depth of their thought simply blows my modest hopes away. 

I am so amazed sometimes, so proud and full of them, I cannot even contain it.  And I know that I cannot take all the credit, I know that as the old adage goes - it takes a village - but as I watch them, I cannot help but be filled with such... gratitude.  That maybe I haven't done such a bad job after all.  That maybe, just maybe, I might even be halfway decent at this mothering thing. 

Oh, how I hope so. 

Oh, how much added importance it has.

Because just as my heart grew to make space for my own, incredibly it has expanded even more, to make room for this little one...

my godbaby, Graham, who was born last week.

I have loved his momma for a long time.  And when she and his daddy found out he was to be, they paid me the highest compliment a mother could ever hope to receive... they asked me to be his godmomma, to help them to watch over him, to protect and help teach him, to do what I do because it is, most simply, what I do.

So honored.  So grateful.  So crazy in love with this new little life.

My heart is... full. 

xoxo,
m

thirty days with a grateful heart. day five.

day five.  the wolf you feed.

A few years back, my bff, rp, sent me a poem.  It made such an impact on me that I printed it out and it hangs above my computer where I can see it every day as I work.

It's kind of funny, though.  As with many things we see each and every day, I think I became a bit desensitized to the message.  So accustomed to seeing the words, to seeing them hanging above my desk, that I really didn't see them, you know what I mean?

As I sat down this morning, I glanced at the words and the magnitude of their simple truth hit me. 

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.  He said, "My son, the battle is between the two 'wolves' inside us all. 

One wolf is evil.  It is anger, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other wolf is good.  It is joy, peace, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

The grandson thought about this for awhile and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."


With everything going on in my life right now, I probably could have chosen to forgo the gratitude project this year.  I have an fairly good excuse - I'm getting divorced, I'm losing my job, I need to find some place to live.   I imagine no one would have even thought twice, in fact it would have been totally acceptable, totally expected. 

But then, wouldn't that be, according to the old Cherokee, feeding the evil wolf? Self-pity? Sorrow? Anger? Yes, it would have been acceptable, but would it have been right?

I am learning that happiness is not something that simply happens to us.  It is not something that we just have, or are, or find.  If it were, it would only be fleeting because as we all know - along with happiness, there is also much sadness in this world.  And oftentimes, unfortunately, that sadness is more in abundance than we would like.  Than sometimes we think we can even handle.

No, I am finding that each and every day, happiness is a conscious decision I must make before my feet even hit the floor in the morning.  My eyes open, my heart begins to speak...

Today, I choose happy.  Today, I choose kindness.  Today, I choose joy.  Today, I choose hope and faith and serenity.

Today, I choose... grateful.

Which wolf are you feeding?

xoxo,
momo

thirty days with a grateful heart - day eleven

day eleven - daddy's girl

This week my therapist wanted to talk a little about my family life growing up, which made me realize that I have written ad infinitum about my momma on this blog, but I have not written very much at all about my dad. 

I've never told you how special a man he truly is.  How loyal, how faithful, how simply... good he is.  The honest to God truth is that my dad is as good a man as the day is long - he really, really, really is - there is just no other way to put it.

I've never told you how he has protected our country or how for years, and through three tours to Vietnam, he has fought, without reservation, for the basic freedoms I take for granted each and every day.

I've never told you how my dad was supposed to be deployed before I was born, or how he made the doctor induced me so that he could see me and hold me, at least once, before he had to go. 

I've never told you how he has supported me.  How he has listened to me.  Or how patient he is.   How he sat through every cheerleader ready-set-ok I ever wanted to show him without rolling an eye. 

I've never told you how I get my love of Indycar, of blackjack, of crosswords and of just about everything football from him.  How we share the same love of church and oh, the same hate for conflict.

I've never told you how much I've learned from him, about kindness and humility.  About how much his respect and love for me has influenced the woman I have become today.


I've never told you about how deeply he loved my mother.  So much so I find it difficult to put into words.  Or, about how incredibly he took care of her once she became ill.  How he would have sold his soul to protect her, to shelter her, from what she had to endure. 

I've never told you about his gentleness when he speaks to me, the sparkle in his eyes when he sees me, or the way that he hugs me that makes me certain I will forever be safe. 

I've never told you how much I love him.  How much I adore him.  How deeply grateful I am that I am his and he is mine.

No, I had never told you any of those things.   Maybe, just maybe, because I didn't need to.  

I'm pretty sure my daddy knows.